Angah

When I was pregnant for the second time, I'm convinced I was carrying a boy. It felt different from the first one. Almost everybody who care to comment thinks that I'm carrying a boy too. I hate soya bean but instead took nescafe every morning, evening, day & night.

Some of my friends say "Nanti anak kau hitam la, asyik minum Nescafe aje"
"Boy hitam tak pe, macho"

How about the scan, you may ask. I did some scan alright due to some bleeding during the first trimester but I have told the gynae that I do not want to know the sex thus the doctor never offer to tell me.

By that time I am already attached with Citi and I was on the way climbing up the ladder..... I was being so critism at every single loophole that I see and put up recommendation every now and then. I guess that was the reason why I was trusted with extra responsibilities. Apart from my daily jobs handling customer, I was involved in some process improvement projects. Though pregnant, I was up & about all the time. Never once during my pregnancy, I took a single MC. That makes me more convinced it is a boy inside me, who gave me all the will power and the energy that I needed.

Friday 14August 1998, I went home late. (FYI: I commute Sban-KL-Sban daily). My feet was aching. I'm due for another check with my gynae the next day. I was 38weeks pregnant.

While waiting for the gynae, I felt a soft beat(denyut?) at my back.

"I think I'm going to deliver soon. I felt the same feeling before starting contraction with Along"
"Painful ke?"
"Tak, denyut je......"
"Nak cut the queue ke?"
"Tak yah le, just wait"

No blood, no water. I told the Dr about the sign that I got, to which she suggested a scan.

Hmm, the baby's fully engaged. Let us do VE (vagina examination).
Shidah, you are already 5 cm. You can give birth anytime now. I will have to admit you, you got your bag?

Everything went so fast. I went to the ward, not knowing what to expect. Ye la. Tak sakit langsung. On the scale of 10, rasanya tak sampai 1 pun. At about 5 pm, I started feeling the contraction and was told that the Dr plan to break the water bag after maghrib.

My water broke when they wheeled me to break the water. Since sudah pecah the Dr just do another VE - sudah 7. Good. So I was send to the labour room. "The boy" in me could have help squeezed himself out. Tu tak sakit tu.

The pain was bearable, so I just sit quietly in the labour room with my hubby. But we can hear our so called neighbours screaming and my hubby feels eerie. Tu dia tak tengok masa I gave birth to Along, kat Hospital Besar Sban. Lagi horror dengar orang menjerit in a hall. No private room. At about 9, the pain gets stronger and I am starting to get a temperature. When the nurse came in for a check, I was already at 8cm, but she was worried with the temperature and put me on a drip. 15 minutes later I told her that I feel like giving birth. She took it calmly since I do not show any sign of pain and she do another VE. Surprised becaused I am already fully dilated at 10cm, she called for the Dr and scold me sebab tak warned her. La, yang aku bagitahu aku nak bersalin tadi apa? Tak kan le aku nak jerit2 pulak?

When the Dr came in, I pushed twice & the baby was out, weighted at 3.29kg. At this point I'm still convinced it was a boy till I saw the private part. That instance, I felt weak & dissappointed. Unfortunately the baby was having a temperature and had to be taken away and put in the incubator. While the Dr clean me up, I was lost in my own thought.......

Later that night, I couldn't sleep. I have to see the baby so I walked to the nursery. There she was in the incubator, only wearing her diapers. I couldn't touch her. But her face, she was clearly upset. Her mouth shaped like an 'n' or 'u' terbalik. Looks like she knew that she dissappoint me. Looks like she knew. Now I was very sad. Not because she's a girl. Not for that reason. I am sad for being dissappointed. I should have not felt that way. She is god's give. Some people do not have a joy to give birth. I've got it twice! How bad I was. I wanted to hold her, to tell her how sorry I am, but I couldn't. I whisper "I LOVE YOU" before I went back to my room and cried myself to sleep.....

Now, almost 7 years later, I love her to bits. She still does her "n" shape mouth whenever she's upset. Everytime she does that, it will remind me of her birth. I will never forgive myself for how I felt that moment. It still makes me cry.....


Angah