Frustration

Silent. As if we can hear if there's a pin drop. Ring-ring. Ring-ring.

Hello. Mr Ch** here. Oh yes, hold on a second. Shidah, you have to leave. I have a confidential call that I need to attend now, please.

Damn. The call was his saviour. For all you know, his secretary is the one who make the call. I never got to know the fact.

I felt weak. I just couldn't think. I am frustrated. Upset. I hate myself. I hate the baby. I hate him. I walked out slowly not knowing where to go. I went to the ladies, lock myself in one of the toilet. I stared far. Not sure of what to do. Then I cried. Cried. And cried. Uncontrollably. I felt useless. I thought I was tough. I thought I was strong. I thought wrong. I'm just a pathetic don't know what to do pregnant woman sitting in the toilet crying herself out. Yes, that was me.

I stop crying after sometime. I shed my tears. Walk out from the building. Talking to myself. Passer by could think that I am mad. Then I took a bus to my brother's house in Ampang. I didn't go straight to his house though - but I went to his son's baby sitter's house and take his son back with me. (Within the 2 months I've spent many days in my brother's house with my 1year old nephew and the baby sitter knows me).

Back in the house, bathed my nephew and tell him everything that happen to me that day. I started crying again. He kind of understand and hug me. I continued crying…. He continued hugging.

When my husband and my brother came back from work later that day, I do not have any more tears. I just told them I was not accepted. Kept quiet when more question asked. I just couldn’t talk. Not knowing what to advise, my husband asked me to accept the offer from the factoring company.

Go for medical check up tomorrow – and accept their offer.
For what? To face another frustration? I don’t think I can handle another rejection.

How do you know that they are going to reject if you didn’t try?
I just couldn’t afford to try.

The next day, I was alone in the house…talking to my ‘5months old tummy’.

Ibu sedih.
Quiet.
Tak de orang sayang ibu.
A kick.
Baby dengar ke?
Another kick.

I got excited.

Baby sedih jugak ke?
Quiet….
Baby sedih ke ibu sedih?
A kick.

I asked the baby question after questions. And I felt kick after kicks. Until I consol myself. Sounds crazy but that’s the truth… I decided not to go to the factoring company, as I said I could not accept another failure. I could not risk hating myself and my baby again. Instead I call Citi, to speak to the Dept Head, Miss R. She’s busy.

Starting that day, I make it a routine to call Miss R, 3 times daily, morning, afternoon & evening. I got the same answer. Either engaged, in a meeting or out. After day 3, I received a call from Miss R (I guess that she is tired of me calling her) .

As much as we wanted to have you on board, we can’t. I’ve spoken to HR and found out that completeness of medical checks is something that is not negotiable

What if I do the x-ray now? (Aku acah aje – mana buleh x-ray masa pregnant) Are you telling me that I will get accepted?

We do not want you to endanger the baby.

You did not answer my question.

Shidah, this conversation will not go anywhere. You have to accept the decision. Maybe you can give me a call after confinement. If there is available position – we may consider taking you in.

Is that a guarantee?

I admire your interest, but I would not be able to give any guarantee at this point of time. But I can assure you, that I will not forget your name.

Well, I guess you are right. I will definitely give you a call after confinement **mestilah kau tak leh lupa nama aku, a BIG PAIN of yours**

Ok, Shidah. Good Luck.