Hajj Memories (part 1).

My heart was paralyzed. I want loads from Allah but not giving enough for Allah. Yang wajib tidak sempurna, sunnah (sunat) jarang sekali. I know what need to be done, yet not doing it. Like a paralyzed person, the brain tells the body to act, no respond from the body part. It is sad. Yes, my heart was paralyzed.

I’m a plain woman, human, know her must do but not dutifully doing it. Imperfect, urgent repair required. Afraid of changes for the better. Or not ready for changes? Maybe, I’m afraid I cannot contain changes for a long period. I am weak.Early 2009, a simple question rose to my husband, “Bang, kita ni dah wajib pi haji kan?” . I’d never put myself in the category, dah sedia or dah sampai seru, just that with so much shopping that I’ve done for the past months, I believe “wajib haji” fall unto us.

We started planning for hajj. Try to get some pulse for my paralyzed heart. To Allah I begged to give me nikmah in ibadah. Begged for my heart to have sincerity in ibadah. I find it very difficult to khusyuk in ibadah moreover to find the nikmah. Astaghfirullah.

Umrah. We went. Kursus haji. We went. Hajj reading material. We read. Gain some knowledge of the ritual. Try to nurse the soul. Read Quran. Very seldom. Shame. Office work kept me busy all the time. Lame excuse.

When hajj registration opened, we submit our names to go via air, even when the government make a stand for all expat to go via land. Main reason – I may not have enough leaves to cover the trip. The new policy came out, no hajj leave if you serve the company less than 2 years. Unpaid leaves allowed though. Unpaid for 2 weeks? That’s a lot. I was uncertain, perhaps to postpone Hajj till next year? Somehow, I wonder, could this be a way for Allah to test me? See my stand? Am I sincere in begging for nikmah ibadah? Am I sincere to perform Hajj? Was it conditional? To these thoughts, I went ahead to apply for unpaid leaves, convincing myself that even if we force ourselves to be sincere, it will not go unnoticed.

The result came out. We are not selected. I’m disappointed, but came to accept that it is Allah’s will. Then, we saw mails flying everywhere, we can submit our names to go by bus. We did. The very next day we submitted our details, we got confirmation from the Hajj committee to go by bus. We learned that those insisted to go by plane, got it too, to go by plane. At this point, I dare not change qadar Allah. I learned to accept it. I went on to confirm my unpaid leaves, only to learn that the new policy was not approve by the board, meant that old policy is still in use, and I’m entitled to paid Hajj leaves after all. Allah knows best. Subhanallah. A gust of “insaf” knocked my senses. How we planned, only Allah knows the end.

Now I have to deal with is my inner self. Prepare my heart. My soul. It is not easy, after I’ve tainted it for so many years. 37 years.

Continued...