Hajj Memories (part2).

These notes are not about transformation of plain Jane to a pious lady. Nor it is about new me. These are my struggle to tame my heart.

I am hoping to be a better person. Though I'm not able to come up with a verdict on the success, I prayed each day that I will have continuous improvement towards the straight path and each improvement will be there to stay. I prayed that these improvements are the ones that I can contain. That I can handle. I'm not totally prepared when I started my Hajj trip.

It was 16th November. The peak of hajj, which is Wukuf, is expected to fall on Thursday 26th Nov, not for another 10days. The only surety that I possess was knowing the hajj ritual. Spirit wise, I have lots of doubts. I feel insecure. In silence, I ask myself, why went for Hajj. The only sincere answers are I'm financially capable and because Hajj is Islam's 5th pillar.

I slept during most of our journey. When I woke up, my husband was on the IPOD listening to the Quran and its translation, a friend was reading Quran in silence, some are drown in individual thoughts and many are sleeping. My husband offered me the other IPOD and I took it. I was hoping that listening to Quran will provide the much needed lifeline to my heart. While listening, I fell asleep, again.

We safely reached the Miqat after almost 24 hours on the bus. By that time, I had swollen feet. Keep on reminding myself, if I redha with the swollen feet, for the sake of Allah, every single step carries a reward. It is not an easy thing to do. Thoughts like, "I will not get swollen feet if travel by plane" crossed my mind several times. Astaghfirullah.

I'm not as lucky as certain people, who get overwhelmed when they saw Kaabah. That is one of the reason I said my heart was paralyzed. My feelings are neutral, but I do envy people who can feel the closeness of Allah. I have not reach that point. I begged Allah to give me such feeling, and each step of tawaf I pleaded Allah to give me the nur that has been given to people before me. However, I do not wish to be miraculously insaf in front of kaabah and back to square one when I go home. I prayed for every step closer, let it be genuine, may it be as small as you can imagine. Let the feeling grow, with all the strong roots so it will stay regardless of the condition it has to shields.

When I completed the umrah (for Hajj Tamattu'), all I can feel was relieved because I'm out of ihram and can go back to our accommodation for a rest. I pity myself. I feel sad for my soul.

Subhanallah. How true that Allah listens. Even from a slave that never acts as a slave.

After few days traveling to Haram I started putting pieces together. I understood why Allah wants me to come by bus. Allah gives me few days for preparation, before the peak, before wukuf, to start doing hisab on my good and bad deeds, to count my blessing, all that Allah bestowed me. Though it is too little time, the chance was given. If I were to travel by plane, I will be in Mecca only 3 days before Wukuf. In Doha, I don't have the luxury to pause and analyze. It made me think, was all the rezeki and nikmah dunia received are nikmah for being good, or was it a mere test for an ungrateful slave?

Counting the days to wukuf, I felt nervous all the time. It's like going to the exam hall unprepared.

One Subuh, I was 2 hours early in Haram. I sat next to a row of ladies, beside me were 2 Turkish ladies. Took out my sejadah, sat on it and start listening to my IPOD. The ladies on both of my sides have their own sejadah so I don't have to share. Normally I would. Within minutes I felt sleepy, and doze off while waiting for adzan. When I came to my senses, the 2 Turkish ladies next to me are gone, and there are 2 Indian ladies instead. They were coughing and snorting all the time. They don't have any sejadah with them. Because of them coughing and snorting, I didn't share my sejadah as I usually did. Told myself to share only if they ask me to. That seems to be a reasonable reason at that point of time. We prayed subuh, followed by solat jenazah.

That day, I was disturbed. I kept remembering the incident. Was I racist? Was health the real reason? Even if health is the reason, was it really justified? Isn't health is also a nikmah given by Allah where he can take any time? What if Allah only shares his wealth with selected tribe? And I'm not in the chosen tribe? What if all my ritual, my hajj is not accepted because Allah is racist? I would be heartbroken. If Allah is not racist, do I think I'm greater, thus have the right to be one? Astaghfirullah.

That day, my heart softens, I cried. Cried for all the nikmah that I have not thank. Cried for my lost soul, having thought that I deserved all the rezeki that I got. That day, I cried when I recite the talbiah, it gave me different meaning, I come to Allah as a slave, wanting his mercy, wanting his wealth. I have nothing to give Allah, to show Allah, but there I am, full of nikmah and still begging for more. I cried.

Continued...